stepping back into the previous decade, for a minute, i realize there are few to zero persons who would now connect with me on the meaning of the life of Christopher Wallace, also known as the greatest rapper of all time.

Christopher Wallace was murdered at the age of 24.

Tupac Shakur at the age of 25.

They always seemed so much older than me, and still they are perceived in that way. but now being 31 myself, it is obvious how young they actually were.

after they died, it is arguable that Hip-Hop was buried with them. After 1996, something seemed overtly false. The past decade saw no kind of resurrection. fuck kanye.

hip-hop was like gold to me in high school and college. there were few other places in my world to find inspiration, to confront reality, and revolt against it. it sure as fuck didn't come from our white church or chapel.

Marriage, Family, and Post-Modern Quagmires.

Articulated well through the films of Sam Mendes (though not always amazing films).

Beginning in 1999...

"I've never wasted my life talking. I've always done something." - Francis Marion Tarwater (The Violent Bear It Away)




it is pretty terrible to look back at a decade overtly defined by an event of terror, that lead to many more terrors, still without end.

it certainly took me on a short journey for a year in 2005/2006, seemingly watching before me, a bridge connecting wounds from Vietnam to Iraq. from Agent Orange, to Gulf War Syndrome, to PTSD. Hell on Earth.

devastating, but it also exposed me to the real work of reconciliation, which is our only hope for the restoration of peace. long term commitment and sacrifice required.

"The present war crisis is something we have made entirely for and by ourselves. There is in reality not the slightest logical reason for war, and yet the whole world is plunging headlong into frightful destruction, and doing so with the purpose of avoiding war and preserving peace! This is true war-madness, an illness of the mind and spirit that is spreading with a furious and subtle contagion all over the world. Of all the countries that are sick, America is perhaps the most grievously afflicted...This in a nation that claims to be fighting for religious truth along with freedom and other values of the spirit. Truly we have entered the “post-Christian era” with a vengeance. Whether we are destroyed or whether we survive, the future is awful to contemplate.

...

What are we to do? The duty of the Christian in this crisis is to strive with all his power and intelligence, with his faith, his hope in Christ, and love for God and man, to do the one task which God has imposed upon us in the world today. That task is to work for the total abolition of war. There can be no question that unless war is abolished the world will remain constantly in a state of madness and desperation in which, because of the immense destructive power of modern weapons, the danger of catastrophe will be imminent and probable at every moment everywhere. Unless we set ourselves immediately to this task, both as individuals and in our political and religious groups, we tend by our very passivity and fatalism to cooperate with the destructive forces that are leading inexorably to war. It is a problem of terrifying complexity and magnitude, for which the Church itself is not fully able to see clear and decisive solutions. Yet she must lead the way on the road to the nonviolent settlement of difficulties and toward the gradual abolition of war as the way of settling international or civil disputes. Christians must become active in every possible way, mobilizing all their resources for the fight against war.

First of all there is much to be learned. Peace is to be preached, nonviolence is to be explained as a practical method, and not left to be mocked as an outlet for crackpots who want to make a show of themselves. Prayer and sacrifice must be used as the most effective spiritual weapons in the war against war, and like all weapons, they must be used with deliberate aim: not just with a vague aspiration for peace and security, but against violence and war. This implies that we are also willing to sacrifice and restrain our own instinct for violence and aggressiveness in our relations with other people. We may never succeed in this campaign but whether we succeed or not, the duty is evident." - October 1961, Thomas Merton

i was in the lobby of the lennox cinema, waiting on my brother, when i witnessed a shining symbol of the past decade. a man had a definitive choice to walk up to the empty ticket counter and buy his ticket from another man, or he could simply use a machine to purchase his ticket. the machines are of course for our convenience, should there be long lines and anxious consumers. but there was no anxiety, no line of any kind. the moviegoer looked up at the man behind the glass, then down to the machine, shrugged his shoulders, and then decided to commune with a computer, rather than a human.

i would have normally been appalled, but i knew i would come home and choose to write about this on my computer, instead of laying in bed, next to my wife.

we definitely prefer machines.

this is madness.

there has been increasing self-pressure to address the issue of a decade coming to a close. this has been a most unpredictable ten years, 21 to 31. i hope to process through it, as usual, through film and music.



after watching "Love, Liza" (2002) tonight, i recognized, clearly, the most unfortunate happening. when i first saw "love, liza" back in 2002 - i remember it clearly articulating some of my most distraught feelings, with feelings. that made sense to me. but then i ruined it by charting a course of trying to find words and intelligence to speak into and about these heavy, mysterious feelings. and now, worse, i try to project them onto to other people, with weird, empty, and awkward explanations.

but whatever. i am not sure who i would be without the films of Philip Seymour Hoffman, since 2000...

# Doubt (2008/I) .... Father Brendan Flynn

# Synecdoche, New York (2008) .... Caden Cotard

# The Savages (2007) .... Jon Savage

# Capote (2005) .... Truman Capote

# 25th Hour (2002) .... Jacob Elinsky

# Punch-Drunk Love (2002) .... Dean Trumbell

# Love Liza (2002) .... Wilson Joel

# Almost Famous (2000) .... Lester Bangs

went to a pumpkin patch today. at some point Canaan stopped me and said, "hey, we can keep the seeds, plant them, and grow pumpkins." i gave him a high five.

Senator Ray Miller called together a one day conference surrounding the issue of family stability in Central Ohio. I attended in part. I had trouble breathing, because I get claustrophobic when I see people wrapped so tightly in really expensive suits, inside of a mega-church, addressing "systemic" issues of poverty.

after the preacher failed to challenge us, with his promise to "go deeper" into the issues from the pulpit (this was not a faith-based conference, btw) - we then moved into one of five or six workshops. I went to the "supportive resources for families" workshop. We spent more than an hour talking about problems and barriers. Nobody brought up class segregation, since everyone is participating in it. i didn't have the balls to stand up and ask all these nicely dressed people to move back to the hood, and simply be good neighbors, like in the good old days, before welfare, before capitalism. nor could i speak, without speaking over another. there were some good issues brought up, however - like non-profits competing with one another for funding. interestingly, the time came to rank our problems - which gave the rest of us a chance to voice an issue on a note card. the facilitator (who remarked earlier, that he considers himself a "radical") read from my card, "Segregation. Class Segregation. We need role models through mixed income neighborhoods." You could hear a pin drop. Then the radical facilitator tried to understand and further explain the point that i might be trying to make, which ended with a mumble to low to be audible. Next card.

I had to dash home at that point, to father my children, and provide my wife with the opportunity to tutor at a school in our neighborhood, during lunch.

I notice the overriding feeling of self-rightousness, above. Which is ok - because I know how much we fail to live up to our own standards. but it was super-clear that we are still blinded by classism and wealth - and that social work is still a shitty excuse for a "commendable" career that perpetuates more problems than it regulates or resolves.

for all you hot sauce lovers...

Habanero Hot Sauce (AKA "Got Fucked" Hot Sauce)


1 ½ cups chopped carrots (from our garden, grown by our children)

2 medium onions, chopped (grown in our garden, started in January)

1 ½ cup lime juice (preferred organic - Santa Cruz - can get at Kroger)

3 cloves garlic, minced (from our community garden - started in October, 2008)

2 tsp salt (sea salt)

1 cup chopped habanero chiles (grown in our garden)

1. Combine all the ingredients, except for the habaneros, in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Boil for 10 minutes or until the carrots are soft. (Adjust the heat by adding fewer habaneros not by increasing the carrots, as this can alter the flavor.)

2. Place all the ingredients in a blender or food processor and puree until smooth.

3. Pour in sterilized jars and refrigerate.



Tequila Hot Sauce (AKA "Anti-Masturbation" Hot Sauce)


1 Margarita (for you while you work)


1 cup Thai Hot Chili Peppers Chopped (lots!) - (grown in our garden - middle string)

6 cloves Garlic minced (for garlic lovers!)

2 Medium Onion Chopped

3 or 4 Amish Paste Tomatoes Diced (from our garden)

1/2 cup Sugar (Organic Sucanat - maybe at Kroger, definitely at Whole Foods)

1 Cup Organic Lime Juice (like above)

1 Cup Tequila (if there is any left)


1. Combine all in sauce pan and cook down (like above), except the tequila and Thai Chiles.

2. Place all the ingredients in a blender or food processor and puree until smooth.

3. Pour in sterilized jars and refrigerate.



Celebrate a blessed season of sowing and reaping - in your kitchen!

our son Francis. he's a chap. different than the others.

very chop chop.

this evening, he helped me sort out the last of our harvest.

he categorized the green bell peppers and the eggplant.

he is 20 or 21 months of age.

he loved every minute of it.

so did i.

There are very few things that I sow, that reap great fruit.

This would be one...